O.O

I woke up to my older sister cocking a gun the other night... I then thought: 'Should I be scared? Nah, she has a gun. We're safe.' lol

My Garden Part 1

My Garden

I hide,
Like a coward from my fears.
Here no one can find me,
Neither can those constant leers.
Only one has the key.

I cry,
But the eyes need to rain,
Before I can grow.
There must also be pain,
Will it ever show?

I seek,
He who hides,
To learn of what may come.
Here I bide,
And search while I turn numb.

I wait,
For my heart to heal,
For love,
For peace,
For the one to seal.

These things I do,
As they bloom in my garden.
Only the two,
Will it forgive and pardon.

Find me in my garden.


Staring down at the girl he once loved, the boy inhaled deeply. Everyone around her stood by her bed, and watched her lay in the silky sheets, the girl unwavering from their sight; including the boy's. It was the doctor who was the first to look away from the still girl, and leered at her Father.
"There is still no sign of her waking. All you can do is wait." With the feeling of lost hope hanging over the doctor, he began packing all of his medical instruments.
At a leisurely pace, the girl's friends and family scattered about the room; most kept silent while the others cried helplessly, but the boy never left her side. He just stared at her as she slept. Often she would moan and make uneasy expressions as if she were trapped in a never ending nightmare. But the boy was trapped in a torturous state of mind as well. Caught between hatred and a hidden undying love for her, he found himself in a living hell; but it was nothing compared to what she was going through. He knew this, but his pride would never admit it to anyone, especially her.
The boy's thoughts raced, but eventually settled on an early memory of learning of what happened to the girl. No one knew why or how she ended up lying in bed like this. One day she just wouldn't wake up.
One lone tear falling from the girl's eye brought the boy out of his memory. 'Her nightmare must be getting worse.' The boy pondered before whispering under his breath, "what do you see, Ti?" The girl didn't answer. Obviously she couldn't. Tears of many emotions then began to swell and blur his vision. Choking back the tears, he closed his eyes.
"Flowers." A child's voice answered.
The boy peered to his left to find a small boy, looking to be at the age of 2, peering right back at him.
"What?"
"She sees flowers." The child's mother, aka: the girl's older sister, stood from where she was sitting and walked over the small boy to take his hand. The boy could tell that the child wanted to say more, but his mother lead him over to a small, quietly chatting group. For the rest of the day, the boy thought of what her nephew had said. Even after he went home, he couldn't seem to get it off of his mind. He laid back on his bed with his hands behind his head for support.
'Why would she be seeing flowers?' Realization struck him cruelly. Widening his eyes, the boy fished out the piece of paper from his front pocket. With shaky hands he carefully unfolded the crumpled parchment to once again read:

I hide,
Like a coward from my fears.
Here no one can find me,
Neither can those constant leers.
Only one has the key.

I cry,
But the eyes need to rain,
Before I can grow.
There must also be pain,
Will it ever show?

I seek,
He who hides,
To learn of what may come.
Here I bide,
And search while I turn numb.

I wait,
For my heart to heal,
For love,
For peace,
For the one one to seal.

These things I do,
As they bloom in my garden.
Only the two,
Will it forgive and pardon.

Find me in my garden.

~Kristina

"Find me in my garden." He read again to himself.
He had read this letter out load countless times, and never understood it until now. At full tilt, the boy shoved his feet into his shoes, and rushed to her house. He couldn't keep still at her front door as he rang the door bell for the second time. Her father answered the door with a gloomy expression on his face. The murky look depend when her father saw the boy on his porch.
"Yes?"
"Can I see her?"
He paused for a moment then sighed and moved out of the way for the boy to come in.
"Thank you." The boy spoke before booking it to her room. He entered to find that the girl still hasn't moved from where she slept.
"I don't understand..."
"The door is the gate." The boy jumped at the familiar voice of a child, and quickly spun around.
"Uh, the door?"
The little boy nodded.
"Walk through the door again, but this time think only of reaching her."
Kneeling down to the child's level, the boy asked, "How do you know all of this? And you speak quite well for your age."
"It told me what to say."
"It?"
"The garden."
"Logan, linner-linner-chicken-dinner!" His mother called. The little boy started walking out of the room when he stopped in between the door frames.
"The door is the gate." The child repeated before exiting.
The boy stood in confusion and looked from the door to her and again. Gathering his bearings he walked just outside her room and stared at the entrance to the girl's room.
'Here goes nothing.' The boy closed his eyes and searched through his memories of her, trying to get to her as close as possible. Author's note: (I'll write more right here later. I'm just to lazy right now. lol But basically he enters the room at this part.)
The boy slightly lifted an eyelid from one hazel orb. The room looked the same. Nothing had happened. The boy sighed and peered towards her bed. She wasn't there... He frantically looked about the room. Where could she have gone? Observing the room more closely he discovered that there was a door that wasn't there before...
To be continued...

My Feelings and Emotions

I don't know or understand what I am feeling, but I do know that something is off, and I shouldn't be feeling this way. I'm not happy. I haven't been for a while especially since things really began to change. I'm not sure how to fix this, and I'm so confused and scared of what's going to happen. Luckily, I have my sister, Jackii, by my side. She has helped me through so much. Jackii, if you ever read this, which I'm pretty sure that you will, I want to say: Thank you... For everything. Without you, I would be forever lost.
Any ways... Uuuuhhhhhh... I lost my train of thought.​ (- _-"")

Random Fact:

I took the rock heart photo below. =)

Apologies To The Readers That I Probably Don't Have. lol

I'm sorry. I'm not usually this depressed, I'm actually quite a positive person. Once again, my apologies. I'll write more about happy subjects. lol

He probably won't care about this, but here it goes...

5-13-11
The pain never ends. A constant agony
coils and festers inside me.
The tears never end. Flowing like rain,
salty droplets fall from my face.

* * * *

In less than 2 weeks, I have lost about 10
pounds. I am very under weight because of
this situation. I am slowly withering away,
awaiting my death. I cry every single day,
but try to hide it from my family. I have to
stay strong for them, but how can I when I
am pressured with Jed's drama and family
drama at the same time?
Jed, if you ever read this, I would like to ask
you: How would you like it if your mom came
stomping into the room screaming things about
the sex life of your father and how big his
penis is and that he sticks his d*** into any
thing that walks, and that he f***s every
women that he sees; when its not true?
How would you like it if someone molested
your little sister and your mother sided with
the pedophile then abandoned you? How would
you like it to be neglected? That's not even close
to being half of my story. Can't you show the
slightest bit of sympathy? I never told you to
stop talking to me completely. All I asked for
was for some time to cope with things because
I couldn't handle the drama. I wouldn't have been
able to survive. Also what's with this crap about
me and my family being game players? I am one
of the only girls in the world who actually doesn't
know how to play mind games. And my dad?! How
in the world is he a game player? I don't deserve
to be treated like this. I have done nothing wrong.
I thought that you respected all women as the
daughters of God. Well, wait a go! Look what you
did to one of them. Look, I miss you, and your
family. I miss being your friend. I miss having
someone to comfort me as I cry.

* * * *

I think that I am getting really sick. I constantly
cough and lose weight. I also have a massive
headache at the moment, so I can no longer
continue writing. Good night.

Random Victory:

You tried to abolish my beloved memories by easing, or ripping out, all of your letters in my journal! Well guess what, hot shot! You missed one! Haha! It's mine and you will never take away this last memory! >=P

3-10-11

One of the best feelings ever, right up there with the spirit, is being in the center of an orchestra when a crescendo sings from the instruments. It actually feels a lot like the spirit; a warm comfort that makes your heart race. It feels as if the music itself swirls and dances around you, picking you up, and relieving your burdens. The only thing that stops the feeling from giving its true potential is the fact that I'm not playing with them.

I found this entry (above) in my journal with the date, 3-10-11, written at the top. I liked it and thought I would put it on my blog.
It's very true, being able to feel the spirit lifting from all the instruments around me, but from mine, it did not. I could feel my cello wanting, pleading even, to be played, but unfortunately, as its wielder, I could not give the cello what it asked for. You see, I was very new to playing the cello; I still am in fact, but I am determined to one day be able to satisfy my cello, and finally hear its ravishing voice.

A Couple Quotes That I Like:

"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving."
~Paulo Coelho

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is winged cupid blind."
~William Shakespeare

"A 'no' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'yes' merely uttered to please or worse, to avoid trouble."
~Mohandas Gandhi

"An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind."
~Gandhi

"Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love."
~( you guessed it ) Gandhi

Just a Part of My Story:

About 3 years ago is when it all started... The day I will never forget... I looked up into my little sister's green eyes as I knelt on the ground. They were bloodshot and swollen, and her face was streaked with bitter tears.
"What's wrong." I asked her.
With a shaky voice she responded, "Theo touched me."
I froze. Confusion and fear surrounded me as if it bled from the walls. Immediately. I went to my mother; All she did was yell at Ashley. When she calmed down she told us that she would talk to Theo, her husband, and everything would be okay, but she was very wrong... Theo denied the fact that he molested her, and said it was a misunderstanding, and that "he would never do such a thing." Theo shook his head slowly; a look of pure shame hung on his face. Being the gullible child I was at the time, I let the idea, of Theo touching Ashley, go. We were told not to tell anyone of what happened. We stayed quiet until Ashley went on her trip with my father to Hawaii. While on the plane, Ashley whispered to Kinsey, my step sister, "Promise not to tell dad?" Kinsey nodded curiously, but this secret was not meant to be hidden. After hearing what Theo had done to Ashley, Kinsey went to my father straight away. Little does she know that she was our savior that day. Meanwhile, I was staying at my older sister's house. Jackii drove me home, when it was time to go. After she dropped me off, it wasn't long before she came back through the door to tell us that Nate's (her husband) grandmother had just died, and she needed me to look after the kids, so Nate could cope. I had no idea that what she just said was a lie. Excitingly, I jumped back into her car. Once we were on the freeway, Jackii started acting strange. I asked if something had happened.
"Yes."
"Is it something bad?"
"It's something very bad, Tina."
I watched her, confused and scared. She then explained that Kinsey told my father what had happened, who then called my older brother Ben, who called Jackii as she was heading home after dropping me off. Constantly, he told her, "Get Tina out of that house!" Later I was interviewed, and recorded by my older siblings. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay there, stay safe, forever. My mother came and picked me up a couple days later. I had to pretend that everything was okay while Jackii went to court to try to get me back. During that time, I was scared for my life. I stayed as far away as Theo as possible. Eventually, a police officer came to our front door. He made Theo sign something, then escorted me from my home, where Jackii was waiting down the street, so my mother and Theo wouldn't know where I was.
When I look back to when I lived with my mother and Theo, these memories of being touched in strange ways by Theo, came to mind. I now realize that I, too, was molested...
Ashley and I moved in with my father and step mother. My mother hardly fought for us. She used to call regularly, but one day it just all stopped. Then we were both neglected by our step mother when a mother is what we needed most. Our step mother would regularly yell at us, say that she never wanted us, called us a burden. We would always find her drunk. And what scared me for life: With a single glance she told me that I have no friends and that I never will.
Because of all of this I now have abandonment, self esteem, and many more issues.
But finally, things might get somewhat better. My father is divorcing my step mother.
This is only part of my story... But everyday I move forward in hopes that there will be a happy ending...

Random Question:

Is sympathy to much to ask for?

This is for you... Even If you never hear it...

Day and night I wait, and stare longingly at my window, for the little 'tink' to shake the clear surface; But it never comes... Will it ever happen? Will the pebbles ever meet my window again, or will it be forever alone as I weep on the other side?