Confusion

Going back and forth between liking you and thinking that I don't, sends me into a deep, frustrating confusion. Being that as it may, the fact that I'm even contemplating this proves that my love for you continues to grow, and it's more difficult to get you out of my head than I thought it would be.

Stepping into the moonless night, my breath froze just as the air around me. I hugged my self to keep in the warmth, while my feet pranced on the ground, attempting to get away from cold. Me being mortal, and my lungs demanding oxygen, I took a breath through my nose; but along with the air, a strong, addicting sent filled my nostrils, and I found myself sniffing the night's breeze as a dog does when the smell of its favorite treat distributes throughout the air. Immediately, my body turned towards your house. I groaned, then looked to Olivia.
"Why does it have to smell so freaking good?!" I asked her.
She began smelling the air to see what I was talking about. After one whiff, she knew. Why do you cast such an overpowering spell on me?

What a coincidence! The song "Gravity" by Sarah Bareilles came on as I was writing this. That's funny, or at least, I find it funny.

I have a dream that I probably won't tell now, but I'll get to that at a later time; when I feel it's ready to reveal.

Good night, Jed.

And Here Comes The Pain Yet Again...

Waking up at 5:00 am to the door bell, I couldn't help but to think, "please be Jed at the door," as my first thought for today. Even though it's highly unlikely to see Jed on my doorstep that early in the day, let alone at all. I got up to give my father a hug before seeing him off to Philadelphia, but of corse, while doing so, a small, nagging pain stirred in my chest. The memories of waking at 4:00 am everyday came flooding back, and the phrase "missing him until it hurts" came true.
Oh, what ever shall I do? Wanting to talk to him, even just wanting to see him, is a lost dream in itself.
The desire to know his thoughts and his longings, is killing me inside.
Last night, I couldn't help but to somehow hear his voice again. I couldn't sleep without doing so. Luckily, I could somewhat satisfy my need by listening to the voice messages he left me while we were still together. After listening to a few, I came across one message where he had been crying, and began begging to me just to call him, just to pick up the phone, so he could know that I was okay, so he could at least hear my voice. During the time that he left that voicemail, we were in a middle of a bad breakup, so I ignored him, and continued to do so until the calling, and texting, and pleading all at once... stopped.
I have no idea why I didn't realize this until now: I wasn't the only one suffering. He was going through tragic times as well. I wish that I could have seen that then, and put full effort into trying to fix things rather than ignore him.
After realizing this, tears began spilling from my eyes, and I tried texting him. However, it was about 1:00 am, so I'm not surprised that I haven't gotten a text back yet. Plus, I have no idea what he thinks of me.
I want, more than anything, to apologize sincerely to him, but I'm scared of what he will think of me when I do so. Will he laugh in victory, or will something better come from it? Nevertheless, I am not as I was 6 months ago. Back then, I would have hidden from my fears, and he probably would never receive this apology. Now, even though I'm still frightened, my fears are not going to hinder me any longer, and I hope he sees that. I hope he sees that I have changed, and gains a whole new respect for me.
I will find him, and apologize, even if it means that I will completely make a fool of myself. I will no longer be submissive to my fears.

If Only...

If only I could turn back the hands of time... If only we could start things over again... If I could go back, I would change so much. If things did change, would we be apart now? Or would we still be as one? What we had was amazing... If only we could be like that again. I've learned so much from what happened, so I don't regret it, however I want to apply my knew knowledge and understanding into what we had, and start anew. If I offered to do so, would you agree? Or would you turn me down?
I miss so many things. I miss your smile; I miss your laugh; I miss your touch; I miss your scent; I miss your cute accent; I miss having someone to love me; I miss not being alone; I miss the pebbles or snowballs being thrown at my window; I miss waking up at 4 am just to see you; I miss being with your family; I miss the knowing of what's going on in your life, and not having to endure the painful pondering; I miss the great excitement I use to get when I would see your number calling my phone; I miss holding your hand; I miss playing footsies with you; I miss our usual walks; I miss being proud of your intellect; I miss being called "Ti"; Sadly, I must admit that... I miss you...
I want to talk to you about this, however, you never show how you truly feel, and I'm afraid that you will laugh at the fact that I still, in a way, want to be with you. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't want to suddenly jump back into a relationship. I want to start over again because even though we are now at least on talking terms, it just doesn't feel right. It feels as if there is a wall in between us, a wall that I can neither climb over nor break down.
I hate admitting these feelings because it means that you have won, however I can't help but to acknowledge that they are indeed there. Please, please, please don't look to deeply into this, or into anything I say. There's no hidden meaning, or catch. I mean what I say.
I want to know how you feel about this, truly, but for some reason I can't get you to bluntly state your thoughts.

Uuuuhhhhhhh.... Dang it, writer's block! Why do you love me so?!