Confusion

Going back and forth between liking you and thinking that I don't, sends me into a deep, frustrating confusion. Being that as it may, the fact that I'm even contemplating this proves that my love for you continues to grow, and it's more difficult to get you out of my head than I thought it would be.

Stepping into the moonless night, my breath froze just as the air around me. I hugged my self to keep in the warmth, while my feet pranced on the ground, attempting to get away from cold. Me being mortal, and my lungs demanding oxygen, I took a breath through my nose; but along with the air, a strong, addicting sent filled my nostrils, and I found myself sniffing the night's breeze as a dog does when the smell of its favorite treat distributes throughout the air. Immediately, my body turned towards your house. I groaned, then looked to Olivia.
"Why does it have to smell so freaking good?!" I asked her.
She began smelling the air to see what I was talking about. After one whiff, she knew. Why do you cast such an overpowering spell on me?

What a coincidence! The song "Gravity" by Sarah Bareilles came on as I was writing this. That's funny, or at least, I find it funny.

I have a dream that I probably won't tell now, but I'll get to that at a later time; when I feel it's ready to reveal.

Good night, Jed.

And Here Comes The Pain Yet Again...

Waking up at 5:00 am to the door bell, I couldn't help but to think, "please be Jed at the door," as my first thought for today. Even though it's highly unlikely to see Jed on my doorstep that early in the day, let alone at all. I got up to give my father a hug before seeing him off to Philadelphia, but of corse, while doing so, a small, nagging pain stirred in my chest. The memories of waking at 4:00 am everyday came flooding back, and the phrase "missing him until it hurts" came true.
Oh, what ever shall I do? Wanting to talk to him, even just wanting to see him, is a lost dream in itself.
The desire to know his thoughts and his longings, is killing me inside.
Last night, I couldn't help but to somehow hear his voice again. I couldn't sleep without doing so. Luckily, I could somewhat satisfy my need by listening to the voice messages he left me while we were still together. After listening to a few, I came across one message where he had been crying, and began begging to me just to call him, just to pick up the phone, so he could know that I was okay, so he could at least hear my voice. During the time that he left that voicemail, we were in a middle of a bad breakup, so I ignored him, and continued to do so until the calling, and texting, and pleading all at once... stopped.
I have no idea why I didn't realize this until now: I wasn't the only one suffering. He was going through tragic times as well. I wish that I could have seen that then, and put full effort into trying to fix things rather than ignore him.
After realizing this, tears began spilling from my eyes, and I tried texting him. However, it was about 1:00 am, so I'm not surprised that I haven't gotten a text back yet. Plus, I have no idea what he thinks of me.
I want, more than anything, to apologize sincerely to him, but I'm scared of what he will think of me when I do so. Will he laugh in victory, or will something better come from it? Nevertheless, I am not as I was 6 months ago. Back then, I would have hidden from my fears, and he probably would never receive this apology. Now, even though I'm still frightened, my fears are not going to hinder me any longer, and I hope he sees that. I hope he sees that I have changed, and gains a whole new respect for me.
I will find him, and apologize, even if it means that I will completely make a fool of myself. I will no longer be submissive to my fears.

If Only...

If only I could turn back the hands of time... If only we could start things over again... If I could go back, I would change so much. If things did change, would we be apart now? Or would we still be as one? What we had was amazing... If only we could be like that again. I've learned so much from what happened, so I don't regret it, however I want to apply my knew knowledge and understanding into what we had, and start anew. If I offered to do so, would you agree? Or would you turn me down?
I miss so many things. I miss your smile; I miss your laugh; I miss your touch; I miss your scent; I miss your cute accent; I miss having someone to love me; I miss not being alone; I miss the pebbles or snowballs being thrown at my window; I miss waking up at 4 am just to see you; I miss being with your family; I miss the knowing of what's going on in your life, and not having to endure the painful pondering; I miss the great excitement I use to get when I would see your number calling my phone; I miss holding your hand; I miss playing footsies with you; I miss our usual walks; I miss being proud of your intellect; I miss being called "Ti"; Sadly, I must admit that... I miss you...
I want to talk to you about this, however, you never show how you truly feel, and I'm afraid that you will laugh at the fact that I still, in a way, want to be with you. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't want to suddenly jump back into a relationship. I want to start over again because even though we are now at least on talking terms, it just doesn't feel right. It feels as if there is a wall in between us, a wall that I can neither climb over nor break down.
I hate admitting these feelings because it means that you have won, however I can't help but to acknowledge that they are indeed there. Please, please, please don't look to deeply into this, or into anything I say. There's no hidden meaning, or catch. I mean what I say.
I want to know how you feel about this, truly, but for some reason I can't get you to bluntly state your thoughts.

Uuuuhhhhhhh.... Dang it, writer's block! Why do you love me so?!

New Youtube Channel!

My friend Bayley and I started our Japan vlog channel on Youtube today! Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheBerryBoat

JK Dog on News #2

Rebecca is moving out. I warned my father that this was going to happen, but nnnoooooooooo. I'm just a 17 year old girl who been through crap, and knows what she is talking about. Don't listen to me! (Ahhh, sarcasim. It's the best...) Any ways, life goes on...

Ooh! Gotta go! I have a lot of homework and Japanese studying that I need to do!
See ya~

What The Flip?!

Why isn't everyone voting for wings in my pole?! I didn't even know that I had a couple of readers... Anyways! Wings are awesome! Vote for wings!

News:

Hey guys (who ever you "guys" are),
So I have some big news....... 1) I'm going to Japan next year!!!! I'm only going for a semester, but that is good enough for me! This hasen't been completely finalized with my father, however, I think he's leaning more towards a yes, so yay! lol I have wanted to go to Japan for the longest time, now my dream will finally be achieved! I'm am studying a lot through Rosetta Stone, Live Mocha, school, and now, with my friends Bayley and Olivia, we are going to study with a native Japanese tutor! I'm so excited. Not only is it cool to speak Japanese, but it's so much fun to learn it. It's such and interesting language. Yesterday, my Japanese buddy, Toshiaki, asked Bayley why she wanted to learn Japanese, and go to Japan. Well, at first it seems like such a simple question that can be answered right away, but no. It's quite strange, in fact, because all we could really say is that we have liked it for a long time, and we are not sure why. Also, it's just plain awesome. With this being said, I have come to realize that there really isn't specific reasons to desperately want to go to Japan, There's something about Japan that, in a way, draws you in. Its quite interesting really.
2) Looks like my dad and Rebecca aren't going to split up. I hope that doesn't change. I love Rebecca and her kids, and I've grown accustomed to them living here. I really hope this works out. I want a normal, good functioning family for once....
3) My birthday was AWESOME!!!! I had so much fun with both family and friends. I adore my gifts, and I'm so very grateful for them and for the love and support that my friends and family give me. Recently I have made a new friend named Jon. Well, his full name is Jonwon Kim (he's freaking asian!!!). The first time I ever saw him was at Akasaka Sushi where he works as both a waiter and a cook; ever since then Sarah, Bayley, Olivia, and I have been going every Saturday. Well, except yesterday (which was a Saturday) which leads me to the next bit of news.
4) Olivia is having some major family problems. She ran away yesterday and we met at Akasaka to take her to my house. Her runaway didn't last very long, however. He father called her and threatened to sell her car, turn off her phone service, and make her pay rent if she didn't come home. These things don't sound very threatening or serious, but it's much worse than it appears. I really worry for Olivia. She's like a sister to me and I don't any harm to come upon her. I wish there was something I can do, but in reality I can't really do anything at all. It's strange though, when her father was threatening her over the phone Olivia put him on speaker so we could hear. Here's my point: Bayley seemed so surprised that a father could say such things, but I just sat there like nothing had ever changed. I guess that I'm so used to it myself that when I see it happen to others, it's just like normal. It's sad that I have to say that. No child should be treated like that.
5) Guess who came to talk to me while I was waiting for animal control outside (I'll explain that later).... Jed. After treating me like he did and sending me all of those awful texts he came out and apologized. I appreciate the apology, but why the sudden change of mind? If he is really being serious, then great, but his trust must be earned. I am one to forgive very easily, but he needs to prove himself to me. I am not going to fall in another one of his traps.
6) Here's the explanation of the animal control thingy: Olivia and I found a duck with an injured leg in my gated community, but Olivia had to leave for a family event or else she would be yelled at again, so she went while I called many a numbers to help this duck. So yeah, there's that.
7) My father is, as we speak, leaving to go on a business trip, so I'll have to write more later so I can say bye to him.
Bye bye! ^^

I Just Don't Care Anymore...

Alright, bring out the next temporary mom.

The Lonely:

2am; where do I begin,
Crying off my face again.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night.
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me til I fall asleep.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely.

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

~Christina Perri

According to Jed:

Apparently, I'm a freak......

Do You Remember This?:

Be still, my love. For thou is under a careful eye. All is right. Be not afraid, nor in pain. Merely bask in the light of the spirit whose rays bear utmost comfort.

Quote of the Day:

"The most regret you could have for a risk is not to take the risk at all."
-Olivia Grace Haglund

Confessions to a loved one:

I have come to face my fears, and tell you how I 100% honestly feel. Nothing has to come from this. You don't need to react in anyway; you don't even have to talk, if you don't want to. I just need you to listen.......I miss you, and I have come to realize that I still have major feelings for you. Literally, I cannot get you out of my head. Every moment of every day, I think of you. I dream about you almost every night; I stare longingly at my window for hours in a day; I have even become paranoid, and think that the creaking of my window is actually the sound of little rocks being thrown at it, and I constantly check to see if it really is you standing below my windows. This is the most in love with you that I have ever been. They say that the heart grows stronger when you're away from the one you love. That was one big indication that I still love you...... I'm a mess, and I've finally realized that, no, I am not okay. All this time I thought that I was perfectly fine, but I was wrong. People are actually surprised that I haven't committed suicide yet....... Why does it hurt so much, Jed?...... Well, that's all that I feel the need to say. I just wanted to get that all off of my chest. Thanks for listening.

The Beginning of The Damian Project:

Be nice, please. I know they aren't all that great. This is the beginning to the Damian Project which will be a series of pictures of Damian McGinty that I have drawn. The photos are what I referenced off of. Here goes nothing!.......

Sudden Realization:

I realized something just now : I have a pretty messed up life...

An ""If Only"" Moment:

I wish I could get him to notice me... Even if he just knew that I existed, I would be so incredibly happy. It's weird because it feels like I miss him; so much that it hurts, even though I've never even met him before... I'm not sure how I should think about that. haha. Damian, I know that it's probably impossible, but if you ever read this I think you are an amazing artist, and from what I've seen, an amazing person as well... Gah! I really do sound like a creeper! I promise I'm not! haha! But anyways, if I could just meet you, it would seriously make my life. I probably don't deserve it as much as the next person, but I promise you that I would make a great friend. That's the thing though: I don't want you to see me as a crazed fan. I want to be seen as a person... an individual... or whatever. You know? Anyways...
Yours truly,
Krisina Williams

(I love how I ended it as a letter. Haha!)

Best News EVER!!!

I'm going to Ireland!!!!

Me Being A Creeper... But Not:

Okay, I probably won't ever marry Damian McGinty, let alone date him, let alone meet him... let alone ever actually see him, but hey, I can dream a little. I just had to run the facts through my head, so I would never get my hopes to high... Gosh, I sound like a creeper!

It's The Truth:

"You don't know how strong you are until strong is your only choice."

O.O

I woke up to my older sister cocking a gun the other night... I then thought: 'Should I be scared? Nah, she has a gun. We're safe.' lol

My Garden Part 1

My Garden

I hide,
Like a coward from my fears.
Here no one can find me,
Neither can those constant leers.
Only one has the key.

I cry,
But the eyes need to rain,
Before I can grow.
There must also be pain,
Will it ever show?

I seek,
He who hides,
To learn of what may come.
Here I bide,
And search while I turn numb.

I wait,
For my heart to heal,
For love,
For peace,
For the one to seal.

These things I do,
As they bloom in my garden.
Only the two,
Will it forgive and pardon.

Find me in my garden.


Staring down at the girl he once loved, the boy inhaled deeply. Everyone around her stood by her bed, and watched her lay in the silky sheets, the girl unwavering from their sight; including the boy's. It was the doctor who was the first to look away from the still girl, and leered at her Father.
"There is still no sign of her waking. All you can do is wait." With the feeling of lost hope hanging over the doctor, he began packing all of his medical instruments.
At a leisurely pace, the girl's friends and family scattered about the room; most kept silent while the others cried helplessly, but the boy never left her side. He just stared at her as she slept. Often she would moan and make uneasy expressions as if she were trapped in a never ending nightmare. But the boy was trapped in a torturous state of mind as well. Caught between hatred and a hidden undying love for her, he found himself in a living hell; but it was nothing compared to what she was going through. He knew this, but his pride would never admit it to anyone, especially her.
The boy's thoughts raced, but eventually settled on an early memory of learning of what happened to the girl. No one knew why or how she ended up lying in bed like this. One day she just wouldn't wake up.
One lone tear falling from the girl's eye brought the boy out of his memory. 'Her nightmare must be getting worse.' The boy pondered before whispering under his breath, "what do you see, Ti?" The girl didn't answer. Obviously she couldn't. Tears of many emotions then began to swell and blur his vision. Choking back the tears, he closed his eyes.
"Flowers." A child's voice answered.
The boy peered to his left to find a small boy, looking to be at the age of 2, peering right back at him.
"What?"
"She sees flowers." The child's mother, aka: the girl's older sister, stood from where she was sitting and walked over the small boy to take his hand. The boy could tell that the child wanted to say more, but his mother lead him over to a small, quietly chatting group. For the rest of the day, the boy thought of what her nephew had said. Even after he went home, he couldn't seem to get it off of his mind. He laid back on his bed with his hands behind his head for support.
'Why would she be seeing flowers?' Realization struck him cruelly. Widening his eyes, the boy fished out the piece of paper from his front pocket. With shaky hands he carefully unfolded the crumpled parchment to once again read:

I hide,
Like a coward from my fears.
Here no one can find me,
Neither can those constant leers.
Only one has the key.

I cry,
But the eyes need to rain,
Before I can grow.
There must also be pain,
Will it ever show?

I seek,
He who hides,
To learn of what may come.
Here I bide,
And search while I turn numb.

I wait,
For my heart to heal,
For love,
For peace,
For the one one to seal.

These things I do,
As they bloom in my garden.
Only the two,
Will it forgive and pardon.

Find me in my garden.

~Kristina

"Find me in my garden." He read again to himself.
He had read this letter out load countless times, and never understood it until now. At full tilt, the boy shoved his feet into his shoes, and rushed to her house. He couldn't keep still at her front door as he rang the door bell for the second time. Her father answered the door with a gloomy expression on his face. The murky look depend when her father saw the boy on his porch.
"Yes?"
"Can I see her?"
He paused for a moment then sighed and moved out of the way for the boy to come in.
"Thank you." The boy spoke before booking it to her room. He entered to find that the girl still hasn't moved from where she slept.
"I don't understand..."
"The door is the gate." The boy jumped at the familiar voice of a child, and quickly spun around.
"Uh, the door?"
The little boy nodded.
"Walk through the door again, but this time think only of reaching her."
Kneeling down to the child's level, the boy asked, "How do you know all of this? And you speak quite well for your age."
"It told me what to say."
"It?"
"The garden."
"Logan, linner-linner-chicken-dinner!" His mother called. The little boy started walking out of the room when he stopped in between the door frames.
"The door is the gate." The child repeated before exiting.
The boy stood in confusion and looked from the door to her and again. Gathering his bearings he walked just outside her room and stared at the entrance to the girl's room.
'Here goes nothing.' The boy closed his eyes and searched through his memories of her, trying to get to her as close as possible. Author's note: (I'll write more right here later. I'm just to lazy right now. lol But basically he enters the room at this part.)
The boy slightly lifted an eyelid from one hazel orb. The room looked the same. Nothing had happened. The boy sighed and peered towards her bed. She wasn't there... He frantically looked about the room. Where could she have gone? Observing the room more closely he discovered that there was a door that wasn't there before...
To be continued...

My Feelings and Emotions

I don't know or understand what I am feeling, but I do know that something is off, and I shouldn't be feeling this way. I'm not happy. I haven't been for a while especially since things really began to change. I'm not sure how to fix this, and I'm so confused and scared of what's going to happen. Luckily, I have my sister, Jackii, by my side. She has helped me through so much. Jackii, if you ever read this, which I'm pretty sure that you will, I want to say: Thank you... For everything. Without you, I would be forever lost.
Any ways... Uuuuhhhhhh... I lost my train of thought.​ (- _-"")

Random Fact:

I took the rock heart photo below. =)

Apologies To The Readers That I Probably Don't Have. lol

I'm sorry. I'm not usually this depressed, I'm actually quite a positive person. Once again, my apologies. I'll write more about happy subjects. lol

He probably won't care about this, but here it goes...

5-13-11
The pain never ends. A constant agony
coils and festers inside me.
The tears never end. Flowing like rain,
salty droplets fall from my face.

* * * *

In less than 2 weeks, I have lost about 10
pounds. I am very under weight because of
this situation. I am slowly withering away,
awaiting my death. I cry every single day,
but try to hide it from my family. I have to
stay strong for them, but how can I when I
am pressured with Jed's drama and family
drama at the same time?
Jed, if you ever read this, I would like to ask
you: How would you like it if your mom came
stomping into the room screaming things about
the sex life of your father and how big his
penis is and that he sticks his d*** into any
thing that walks, and that he f***s every
women that he sees; when its not true?
How would you like it if someone molested
your little sister and your mother sided with
the pedophile then abandoned you? How would
you like it to be neglected? That's not even close
to being half of my story. Can't you show the
slightest bit of sympathy? I never told you to
stop talking to me completely. All I asked for
was for some time to cope with things because
I couldn't handle the drama. I wouldn't have been
able to survive. Also what's with this crap about
me and my family being game players? I am one
of the only girls in the world who actually doesn't
know how to play mind games. And my dad?! How
in the world is he a game player? I don't deserve
to be treated like this. I have done nothing wrong.
I thought that you respected all women as the
daughters of God. Well, wait a go! Look what you
did to one of them. Look, I miss you, and your
family. I miss being your friend. I miss having
someone to comfort me as I cry.

* * * *

I think that I am getting really sick. I constantly
cough and lose weight. I also have a massive
headache at the moment, so I can no longer
continue writing. Good night.

Random Victory:

You tried to abolish my beloved memories by easing, or ripping out, all of your letters in my journal! Well guess what, hot shot! You missed one! Haha! It's mine and you will never take away this last memory! >=P

3-10-11

One of the best feelings ever, right up there with the spirit, is being in the center of an orchestra when a crescendo sings from the instruments. It actually feels a lot like the spirit; a warm comfort that makes your heart race. It feels as if the music itself swirls and dances around you, picking you up, and relieving your burdens. The only thing that stops the feeling from giving its true potential is the fact that I'm not playing with them.

I found this entry (above) in my journal with the date, 3-10-11, written at the top. I liked it and thought I would put it on my blog.
It's very true, being able to feel the spirit lifting from all the instruments around me, but from mine, it did not. I could feel my cello wanting, pleading even, to be played, but unfortunately, as its wielder, I could not give the cello what it asked for. You see, I was very new to playing the cello; I still am in fact, but I am determined to one day be able to satisfy my cello, and finally hear its ravishing voice.

A Couple Quotes That I Like:

"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving."
~Paulo Coelho

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is winged cupid blind."
~William Shakespeare

"A 'no' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'yes' merely uttered to please or worse, to avoid trouble."
~Mohandas Gandhi

"An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind."
~Gandhi

"Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love."
~( you guessed it ) Gandhi

Just a Part of My Story:

About 3 years ago is when it all started... The day I will never forget... I looked up into my little sister's green eyes as I knelt on the ground. They were bloodshot and swollen, and her face was streaked with bitter tears.
"What's wrong." I asked her.
With a shaky voice she responded, "Theo touched me."
I froze. Confusion and fear surrounded me as if it bled from the walls. Immediately. I went to my mother; All she did was yell at Ashley. When she calmed down she told us that she would talk to Theo, her husband, and everything would be okay, but she was very wrong... Theo denied the fact that he molested her, and said it was a misunderstanding, and that "he would never do such a thing." Theo shook his head slowly; a look of pure shame hung on his face. Being the gullible child I was at the time, I let the idea, of Theo touching Ashley, go. We were told not to tell anyone of what happened. We stayed quiet until Ashley went on her trip with my father to Hawaii. While on the plane, Ashley whispered to Kinsey, my step sister, "Promise not to tell dad?" Kinsey nodded curiously, but this secret was not meant to be hidden. After hearing what Theo had done to Ashley, Kinsey went to my father straight away. Little does she know that she was our savior that day. Meanwhile, I was staying at my older sister's house. Jackii drove me home, when it was time to go. After she dropped me off, it wasn't long before she came back through the door to tell us that Nate's (her husband) grandmother had just died, and she needed me to look after the kids, so Nate could cope. I had no idea that what she just said was a lie. Excitingly, I jumped back into her car. Once we were on the freeway, Jackii started acting strange. I asked if something had happened.
"Yes."
"Is it something bad?"
"It's something very bad, Tina."
I watched her, confused and scared. She then explained that Kinsey told my father what had happened, who then called my older brother Ben, who called Jackii as she was heading home after dropping me off. Constantly, he told her, "Get Tina out of that house!" Later I was interviewed, and recorded by my older siblings. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay there, stay safe, forever. My mother came and picked me up a couple days later. I had to pretend that everything was okay while Jackii went to court to try to get me back. During that time, I was scared for my life. I stayed as far away as Theo as possible. Eventually, a police officer came to our front door. He made Theo sign something, then escorted me from my home, where Jackii was waiting down the street, so my mother and Theo wouldn't know where I was.
When I look back to when I lived with my mother and Theo, these memories of being touched in strange ways by Theo, came to mind. I now realize that I, too, was molested...
Ashley and I moved in with my father and step mother. My mother hardly fought for us. She used to call regularly, but one day it just all stopped. Then we were both neglected by our step mother when a mother is what we needed most. Our step mother would regularly yell at us, say that she never wanted us, called us a burden. We would always find her drunk. And what scared me for life: With a single glance she told me that I have no friends and that I never will.
Because of all of this I now have abandonment, self esteem, and many more issues.
But finally, things might get somewhat better. My father is divorcing my step mother.
This is only part of my story... But everyday I move forward in hopes that there will be a happy ending...

Random Question:

Is sympathy to much to ask for?

This is for you... Even If you never hear it...

Day and night I wait, and stare longingly at my window, for the little 'tink' to shake the clear surface; But it never comes... Will it ever happen? Will the pebbles ever meet my window again, or will it be forever alone as I weep on the other side?