Waking up at 5:00 am to the door bell, I couldn't help but to think, "please be Jed at the door," as my first thought for today. Even though it's highly unlikely to see Jed on my doorstep that early in the day, let alone at all. I got up to give my father a hug before seeing him off to Philadelphia, but of corse, while doing so, a small, nagging pain stirred in my chest. The memories of waking at 4:00 am everyday came flooding back, and the phrase "missing him until it hurts" came true.
Oh, what ever shall I do? Wanting to talk to him, even just wanting to see him, is a lost dream in itself.
The desire to know his thoughts and his longings, is killing me inside.
Last night, I couldn't help but to somehow hear his voice again. I couldn't sleep without doing so. Luckily, I could somewhat satisfy my need by listening to the voice messages he left me while we were still together. After listening to a few, I came across one message where he had been crying, and began begging to me just to call him, just to pick up the phone, so he could know that I was okay, so he could at least hear my voice. During the time that he left that voicemail, we were in a middle of a bad breakup, so I ignored him, and continued to do so until the calling, and texting, and pleading all at once... stopped.
I have no idea why I didn't realize this until now: I wasn't the only one suffering. He was going through tragic times as well. I wish that I could have seen that then, and put full effort into trying to fix things rather than ignore him.
After realizing this, tears began spilling from my eyes, and I tried texting him. However, it was about 1:00 am, so I'm not surprised that I haven't gotten a text back yet. Plus, I have no idea what he thinks of me.
I want, more than anything, to apologize sincerely to him, but I'm scared of what he will think of me when I do so. Will he laugh in victory, or will something better come from it? Nevertheless, I am not as I was 6 months ago. Back then, I would have hidden from my fears, and he probably would never receive this apology. Now, even though I'm still frightened, my fears are not going to hinder me any longer, and I hope he sees that. I hope he sees that I have changed, and gains a whole new respect for me.
I will find him, and apologize, even if it means that I will completely make a fool of myself. I will no longer be submissive to my fears.
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